DENVER BRONCOS WEEK 10/11: “You’re about to jump out a perfectly good airplane, Jonny. How do you feel about that?”

Terminal velocity refers to a falling object that is in equilibrium. In its plummet, at a particular speed, the drag force will equal the object’s weight. At this point, the object ceases its downward acceleration and continues falling at a constant speed. The downward force of gravity equals the upward force of drag.

After losing to Baltimore and Pittsburgh, the Denver Broncos were most certainly in freefall. Now, after gagging in DC to Daniel Snyder’s dysfunctional and discombobulated Redskins, and doing so mostly at the defensive line of scrimmage, gravity now equals the drag of a freefalling franchise. In skydiving, terminal velocity can be slowed by extending ones limbs. And of course, deploying a parachute creates a larger projected area, with a dramatically reduced terminal velocity, and lands its passenger to safety. Looking ahead, the question now becomes: Is Denver capable of pulling the ripcord and piloting itself to some kind of landing zone, or did it jump out of a perfectly good airplane without a canopy strapped to its back in the first place?

Coach Pincers and Chris Simms try to stay positive as they prepare for San Diego

Defensively, the about-to-explode look is back. A shame, really. Such heart, such effort the first third of the season. Against Baltimore and Pittsburgh, the offense failed its defense. Things just broke loose in the fourth quarter with a complete lack of what Pincers would call “complimentary football.” This time around, with DC’s pieced-together offensive line opening up holes and really bad tackling on Denver’s behalf, Ladell Betts and Rock Cartwright just gutted them. All day. Couldn’t even get Jason Campbell, an atrocious quarterback, to make many mistakes. Looked oh so familiar. As we’ve said before, Denverites can keenly identify an about-to-explode defense. It’s what we’ve dealt with since about this time 2006. That look, that bending, absorbing, would-be more explosions were it not for opponent mistakes, was back in effect. Now, why is this?

This is where “slapdick” or “slappy” comes from. It’s what Brian Billick calls beta players. Profootballtalk.com uses this, too. But we read this book back in 2006 and our buddies adopted it into vernacular shortly thereafter. Way before Florio poached it.

Some people call it the Law of Diminishing Returns, others might say the cream always rises to the top, we call it Slapdick vs. Reality. Coming into the season it was presumed the Denver secondary, even with a well-aged veteran in Brian Dawkins, was elite. The front seven questions were of course loud and clear. It’s probably safe to characterize DJ Williams and Elvis Dumervil as upper tier players, however still not that “upper.” Outside of that the front seven is a collection of hand picked slappies and a rookie. We mean that in a conventional wisdom sense: they are slappies, journeymen, none are elite. Until November came along, these slappies, these castoffs, nobodies from everywhere, had been playing above their presumed abilities in a brilliant and innovative Mike Nolan scheme. Andra Davis, Mario Haggan, Ronald Fields, Darrell Reid, Kenny Petersen, Ryan McBean, La Kevin Smith, Marcus Thomas, not exactly top 10%. The Law of Diminishing Returns says that in contrast to increased expectations when outstanding results occur at Square One, returns actually start to progressively decrease. The cream always rises to the top might suggest statistically better teams, or presumed to be better teams, will eventually get theirs. Slapdick vs. Reality says that no matter how much heart, no matter how many Dawkins “take it” frenzies, no mater how committed and accountable and willing and heartfelt, in the end, you’re still a slapdick.

Again, as we’ve said all year, at least they care, at least they try, at least they are not a bed of flowers like the last 2.5 years of Denver Defense. It remains to be seen what the duration will reveal. In terms of what kind of rhetoric is maintained in this column, we are not condemning them to failure and actually believe slapdicks can come together like some kind of slapdick Voltron and find success. We’re simply pointing out that, at their core, they are mostly slapdicks. There’s really no question about that.

(Furthermore, we shudder, but Champ Bailey looks horrible right now. As Phylis Rivers comes to town this week, a guy who enjoys and has been successful throwing on 24, this creates some uneasiness. In addition, after Heinz Ward literally stepped over him then skipped into the end zone last week, then on a third and three late in the Washington game Champ whiffed huge on what is normally an open field lock, one wonders … one certainly begins to wonder.)

Offensively, we return to last week’s comments about the running game: What exactly is Pincers getting at here? So you’re telling us, Pincers, that with Albert Haynesworth out of the game; with Russ Hochstein limiting him pretty much all day; with a slow, dim, hesitant Chris “Milky” Simms under center; having just completed runs of 3 and 11 yards and with Knowshon Moreno at 97 yards total on the day; and with nine minutes left in the fourth quarter of a 17-17 ball game, you have Milky* hoist up a deep ball prayer? It wasn’t even close. There were four red jerseys by the time the ball arrived. This of course led to Washington’s 10-play drive that took over six minutes off the clock and resulted in a go-ahead touchdown.

Ironic too, in a week where “long ball” media brays could be heard above the wind. That’s not only what Kyle Orton attempted but nailed. Too bad Pincers thought Milky could do the same. Two things are clear now, right Denverites? Orton has plenty of arm and he unquestionably belongs under center. (Does Milky bend over as he brings back his delivery? Is his hand on the top of the ball as he releases? Is that the slowest release in the NFL? At least Pincers booted him, rolled him out, that was good to see again. Didn’t really matter, though.) Looking ahead to this weekend, c’mohhn Greek. We need ya to get 8 healthy otherwise we might not even turn on the game. Also, Eddie Royal quit running on Orton’s third deep ball. That’s on 19 not 8. Also, Hochstein is sick.

(Oh and, 8, Rocky McIntosh wanted to thank you for teeing up Brandon Marshall over the middle. Guy’s name is “Rocky McIntosh.” He plays linebacker. He’s that gigantic fella who drops back into coverage when he reads pass.)

(A special DER goes out to Woody Paige this week. Woody, so baseless, so dependant upon conjecture, so otherworldly in his analysis. Actually advocated, then defended, a Simms start in DC.)

Chris Simms dresses the part now that he lives in Colorado

Special teams, or “the kicking game” as Pincers would say, looks like Ryan Seacrest just wandered onto the set of a Charlie Rose taping and attempted an intellectual conversation. So out of place, so related by medium only. Aside from Eddie Royal’s returns in San Diego and the occasional big hit delivered by coverage teams, this third of the overall Denver attack is a fail. Mitch Berger for Brett Kern was haste in its purest form. We actually enjoyed seeing free loader Lamont Jordan get wasted by Lorenzo Alexander on the kick following the sloppiest touchdown in the NFL this year. Did you know we had enough time to flip over to a WB broadcast of Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, laugh at a couple crude jokes, then flip back to the game in the time it took punter Hunter Smith to heave a “500” ball from one sideline to the other … for a touchdown. There are bona fide disgusting things in this world—Dick Cheney, Europeans, a higher yield on US Treasury Notes—and we don’t want to sports-hyperbolize too much. But that was truly a disgusting play. Our buddy C-Po told us he kicked over his three-year-old son’s “block tower” when that classic piece of horse manure actually played out before his eyes. Yep, that … just … happened.

Another fun note in the Washington game was watching Brian Orakpo in action. (Not as much fun as watching Rey Maualuga enforce the middle in Week One, but close.) Let’s summarize Orakpo’s tackles, shall we: Moreno for no gain on a swing pass, Moreno for a 1-yard loss on the edge, Moreno for a 3-yard loss up the middle, credited for wrecking Ortons’s ankle at the end of the first half, half of a 7-yard Milky sack, sacked Milky on his own for 10 yards. Wow, so stoked to revisit Pincers’ draft here.

It looks like Pincers has a very clear idea of how he balances his defensive roster spots. He will play a 3-4, or 5-2 base but it can morph into anything it wants. There is a lot of 4-3 in there and his edge players pull double duty. Also, linebackers are huge in the kicking game. He’s loaded up his defensive roster with big linebackers and has stayed lean with the classic lineman body types (300 pounds plus). Check the roster here. He keeps nine linebackers, all roughly the same size and, weather it be inside or outside, versatility. He keeps seven linemen-only types. Orakpo was touted as a classic outside pass rusher but Washington plays him as an outside linebacker in its 4-3. Considering the versatility Pincers wants in his edge defenders, considering what he wants them to look like, Orakpo (6’-3 260 pounds) seems like he would’ve been an outstanding fit. Plus, he’s pissed, his coaches (according to Dan Dierdorf) rave about him, and he’s currently wrecking shop. Such a treat knowing Denver could’ve had both him and Robert Ayers (6’-3 274 pounds) in the first round.

Instead, Pincers is so scattershot and so scatterbrained when it comes to the run game and the players he chooses to execute it that, when the 12th spot came around in April, he just couldn’t resist 27. If he was still on the board, would he have chosen Orakpo at the 18th instead of Ayers? Who’s to say. And were not saying Ayers is a stinker, either. A conclusion is years off. It may have been marginal and temporary, but Orakpo quietly pantsed Pincers’ draft on Sunday.

(We should also point out that, after a horrifying game last week, Moreno looked pretty good this week. The shimmy was back and he only tripped a couple times. No fumbles, either, and he was back to initiating contact at the end of his runs.)

San Diego slapped Philly around on Sunday so, guess what Broncos Fans?! We get to relive the end of 2008 in the middle of 2009! Love these three-game swings. Let’s hope the third turns out differently this time. We’ve previously said Denver whips San Diego in this game. However we also said barring significant injury. Orton qualifies as significant.

As we all know, the NFL is weird, trending teams mean nothing. Philly goes down, Dallas gets worked, DC wins, Carolina wins, Tennessee is on fire and so is Arizona. At least we can always count on Jay Cutler throwing multiple interceptions. The Bolts come to town on a roll and with the same record as Denver. Denver is in freefall. Something has to increase the drag on this descent and slow Denver’s downward velocity. Maybe Denver’s defense uses Phylis’s carcass to do so. Gets upset, gets healthy, proves to themselves and the world they are not slappies. Milky Simms, well, let’s hope that was rust. He actually maintained a semi decent pocket presence considering he’s barely gone live in three years and Washington went after him. San Diego is still the same group of softies Denver saw in Week Six. But Phylis is still the same gangly, head-snapping, accurate, resilient bastard he’s always been. Beyond San Diego, broadly speaking, at some point Denver is going to have to deploy a chute before it splatters on the ground. Dead as disco.

The most annoying … person … ever

* Gotta give credit to our fantasy football commissioner, Dave, for “Milky.” We didn’t even hear him say it we just read it on our FFB smack board. Laughed pretty hard. Dave is the kind of commissioner that tweaks the scoring rules because he knows the other owners wont check it. This gives him a draft advantage. He’s a gangster about league fees, too. Dave also throws an epic Super Bowl party each year. On a related note, stay tuned for our forthcoming memoir column: “$100 and 0-13: Confessions of a Fantasy Football Failure.” Fantasy sucks. It’s for tools.