Phyllis Rivers preens and furrows as his team gives away the Divisional game
Is it still considered schadenfreude when the individual’s pain you find enjoyable is the same dude that’s been slapping you around, relentlessly, for half a decade? Is it poor form regardless to find so much happiness in another person’s commensurate misery? I guess I don’t even really care. What I do care about—and care so very deeply—is that Phyllis Rivers and his San Diego Bluehairs when down in flames on national television yesterday. Flames!
Just look at that screen grab up there … isn’t it a wonderful thing? Phyllis was poised: 11-game win streak, unstoppable passing game, serviceable defense, and after years of tough playoff exits, destiny. And yet, as an old high school coach of mine used to say: when the pressure is on, what’s inside comes out. Their offensive line couldn’t open a can of refried beans yesterday, Antonio Gates looked drugged, the defense went in at half time and rested on its 30-minute laurels, and Phyllis Rivers—the reviled, goofy, whining, spastic owner of too many Denver Bronco carcasses—pissed it all away. That’s right, he sat up, gave a yawn and a stretch, wandered on over to the chamber pot, pissed in it, then threw it out the window.
His first interception was spectacular. Through no fault of his own the gods reached down, forced Vincent Jackson to lose the handle on a well-thrown ball, nudged his feet into place as a springboard, then the incomparable Darrelle Revis put that thing in his bread basket and gained another 20 yards upfield. Oh what a treat was it to watch Phyllis stomp downfield wailing in tantrum, signaling an incompletion like a third grader, only for the 70,000-plus bluehairs in the stands and the millions at home to subsequently see that, in fact, it was rightly the Jets ball. Then on the second pick, both he and Gates went rogue, crossed signals deep in their own territory, and Jim Leonhard basically just stood there for the pick. All he had to do was catch it. Ballgame. Ballgame!
Phyllis, all of us who despise your existence and are scarred from the multiple beatings you’ve administered to the Broncos, we hope you stew on this one. We hope you spend the next four months in a blacked out southern stupor trying to forget your best shot at the Bowl. We hope you then show up to camp apathetic, listless, fat, unshaven, and go through the motions from that point to the end of your career. An early washout would be best. Take a cue from another loser Diego QB with whom you actually share a physical resemblance: Ryan Leaf. Do it Phyllis! Just “Go Leaf” on the situation. We know you have it in ya. The Nation truly dislikes you, all your pain and failure is our joy. For it has been the other way around much too long.
And could the Bluehair Beating have come at the hands of a more likable dude? Rex Ryan isn’t good for the NFL. He’s good for life, the human spirit … he’s good for the Universe. The big fella had his team fired up, pushing their opponent around. They hung in there, got the edge, then Ryan pretty much out-coached Norv Turner at the Defining Moment. (Haha, gosh that failed onside kick was fun, gosh it was great hearing it questioned during and after the game.) Ryan is about as likable as a juicy surf and turf platter, and he’s shaped like one too. Considering how many times San Diego has underperformed in the last five years, considering how much the Ravens of 2008 and the Jets of 2009 overperformed, Broncos fans should thank AJ Smith for passing Ryan over and hiring Turner back in 2007.
But should we also be wondering why Pat Bowlen did the same thing last year and instead gave us the one and only man-unto-himself … freaking, Pincers? Eh, what’s done is done. I’m just fired up the recent past now includes an embarrassing Phyllis home playoff loss. Had that squid won the Bowl, I’m just not sure how much longer I could’ve gone on. The NFL would have been dead to me.
Got to enjoy it for one day. Then the news that Nolan is leaving. Can’t we just have an uneventful off-season for once? Please? Is that too much to ask?
Now we don’t know what is going in, but a lot of coaching talent is finding the exit after one season: Nolan, Turner, and Dennison. Some of that makes sense, but how much is it actually working with Pincers?
You might be onto something about being able to teach McDaniels some life lessons.
I hope that Wyche is on the money with respect to Nolan:
http://blogs.nfl.com/2010/01/19/nolans-jump-from-denver-to-miami-clarified/
Still looks bad, but might not be as bad in reality.
It’s true. That’s a bit tough on the Ort Bag. I should have expanded on his potential to equal Eli of 07 and Hassel-Gren of 05. In that he has all the ability required to put up an epic year if his run game, and defense, provide him some balance.
He diced New England at home this year. Played elite-like in a big game. And if what you say is true about getting better with familiarity, perhaps that was a preview of what familiarity can offer. Pincers no doubt provided Orton with all the inside beta needed to exploit that NE D. Sort of a synthetic familiarity: he knew the defense better than his own offense.
Me personally, I have trouble with immobile QBs. First, it’s boring and awkward. Second, it puts ALL the pressure on protection. Third, it inspires the defense when it makes an easy play. Fourth, it inspires them further when they (and the audience) see the QB moving in the open-field at the rate of jelly and with the coordination of a burrow. To me, Orton is highly immobile.
However, I suppose it’s the Elway Effect that somehow leads me to believe mobility is a requirement. Manning and Brady are far from mobile, and Elway himself was barely mobile when he won his Bowls. Though Elway’s mobility at 36 was still much better than 18 and 12 in their early 20s. Bowls are Bowls, however. Colored judgment, no doubt.
Jeff Legwold has a nice analysis of “crazy legs” in the DP:
http://www.denverpost.com/premium/broncos/ci_14217751
Kirk Ferentz just turns out tough players who are always under-appreciated (Greene, Dallas Clark, Bob Sanders, etc.)
Also see Chad Greenway for the Vikes for another Iowa alum who is Tough. As. Nails.
For a preview of Iowa players with great NFL prospects see Tony Moeaki (TE) and Pat Angerer (LB).
I don’t even like Iowa. All my relatives went to Iowa State. Plus whenever the do better than Notre Dame I hear it all the time.